WASHINGTON – The Republican Congressional and Executive apparatus failed to not sign into a law a “ruinous” tax reform bill early Friday morning as President Donald Trump regretfully endorsed the GOP-concocted legislation with his trademark autograph.
Despite their best efforts, Republicans in Congress were unable to stop the passage of a tax bill which independent analysts estimate will massively redistribute wealth to corporations and the rich.
“We did everything we possibly could to tank this bill,” lamented a visibly distraught Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Senator McConnell pointed to the bill’s rushed and haphazard passage; eschewing of regular order; and inclusion of widely unpopular amendments as evidence of the Republican party’s concerted effort to produce an unpalatable piece of legislation.
“You tried your best, Mitch,” consoled Wyoming Senator John Barrasso, blotting the tears trickling down the Majority Leader’s face with a one-hundred-dollar bill.
Many GOP operatives were left scratching their heads: How on earth did this bill not not pass?
A slapdash, closed-door, and partisan process used in drawing up the legislation was meant to turn off legislators like Arizona Senators Jeff Flake and John McCain who claim to care about that kind of stuff for some weird reason.
House Republicans also introduced measures in the bill which were meant to violate arcane Senate procedural rules. “If the American people suffer from this tax bill, it is definitely the fault of the Senate Parliamentarian,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.
The GOP tax legislation also included a number of “safeguards” designed to incense voters and sabotage the bill’s prospects from ever blowing up the deficit by more than one trillion dollars. Premium hikes, limits on state and local tax deductions, cuts to entitlement benefits, incentives for businesses to offshore jobs, long-term tax increases on millions of middle class Americans, and “being dicks to grad students” were all bids made by Republican authors of the bill to prevent its passage.
Efforts to make the House and Senate versions of the bill irreconcilable proved futile as well.
“I promised only to vote for this bill in exchange for stabilization of the health markets, knowing full well House Conservatives would never go for that,” said Maine Senator Susan Collins. “And yet here we are. The bill is passed. There is no stabilization for health markets. And my signature is on the bill. It’s like some sort of dark voodoo magic.”
When Senator Collins was asked what that “dark voodoo magic” could possibly be, another older, whiter, more male senator interjected, “Science.”
The bill’s stunning non-defeat comes at the end of a disappointing year for Republicans – one full of flops on key campaign promises like ACA repeal, “draining the swamp” of lobbyists and corporate influence, and “locking her up.”
None were perhaps more dismayed by the tax bill’s passage, than President Donald Trump who detailed his own personal endeavors to torpedo the GOP tax bill:
“I tried not to sign the bill. I did. I watched eight hours of television. The best television. I golfed a lot. A tremendous amount. I was so distracted. No one’s ever been so distracted. I drank twelve cans of diet coke so I’d be so jittery – that’s my word, a word no one’s ever said before, jittery – so jittery, isn’t that a great word? – so jittery, I couldn’t write my own name, but in the end, the bill is signed because of the democrats and because of Crooked Hillary and the fake news media and because of Tiffany.”
Asked whether there was anything Republicans could have done differently to stop the tax bill’s realization, White House Spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “What can I say? We just did have the votes.”