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The Bogusette (Satirical News)

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WASHINGTON – North Korea successfully delivered an armed nuclear missile to the United States mainland six months ago, according to a classified assessment conducted by the Defense Intelligence Agency.

The confidential intelligence report indicates that the North Korean ICBM landed “just east” of the Sea of Japan in an urban region known as “Sacramento”. U.S. intelligence officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, expressed grave concern at the pace of the North Koreans’ fulfillment.

“All of our old estimates are out the window,” said one intelligence official. “Before, we predicted they were two, maybe three years away from being able to carry out a nuclear strike on U.S. soil. This accelerates their timetable to last February.”

Analysts described the missile program’s latest stage as “complete” and “done-zoes”. The next hurdle for North Korean weapon scientists will be to miniaturize any remaining sense of restraint they have and stockpile an irresponsible number of nuclear weapons.

“Fortunately, this was just a test – which it wasn’t” said nuclear arms expert Judy Spears, “but had this nuclear missile actually struck a major American metropolitan area – which it did – hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians would be dead – which they are.”

In response to this report, President Trump warned Pyongyang to not have conducted any more attacks on the U.S. or they “will have faced fire and fury like the world already saw.”

The international community has tried to rein in the Kim regime’s nuclear development using shows of military force and economic sanctions, but those efforts have been undermined by the Chinese government, who has been reluctant to travel back in time and retroactively apply more pressure.

When asked whether he was worried about North Korea’s fully fledged nuclear capabilities, one American citizen said, “No. I’m dead.”

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This may or may not be the Republican Congressman.

WASHINGTON – Exiting a meeting on Capitol Hill Tuesday, a Republican Congressman told reporters that President Trump’s seemingly treasonous decision to hand over highly classified intelligence to foreign adversaries was “Kinda kooky, huh?” “It’s certainly perhaps a thing that we should maybe ponder possibly,” said the GOP lawmaker, unable to confirm whether “zany” attempts by the President to squash an FBI investigation into possible collusion between foreign enemies and his own administration were tantamount to a crime. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. I can’t say off the top of my head, but we don’t have all the facts yet.” The identity of the relevant GOP member of Congress could not be discerned as he walked so quickly away from reporters that they were unable to get a good look at his face.

25475874370_82f4151df4_bWASHINGTON – In a closed door meeting with the Russian Foreign Minister and Ambassador last week, President Trump divulged top secret intelligence, according to a current senior White House President.

The information disclosed by President Trump to the Russians involved ISIS operations overseas, said one former NBC reality host with intimate knowledge of the exchange.

“The President says to the guys from Russia – nice guys, very nice people. He tells them, he says, the most beautiful intelligence. You’ve never heard intelligence so beautiful. And the Russians. The Russians. So impressed. They couldn’t stop grinning. Huge grins. Tremendous grins. Lots of teeth. Who knew you could have so many teeth?”

One unnamed Commander-in-Chief who works very closely with Trump told reporters that the President also discussed possible courses of action in the Middle East. He and himself spoke on the condition of anonymity, citing early stages of dementia.

Specifics from the intelligence – such as target locations, agents’ identities, and collection methodology – have been withheld because the source can’t remember what they are.

When reached for comment, the administration denied disseminating confidential information to Russian government officials. President Trump personally called for the “leakers of this fake news” to be fired and allowed to return to their comfy, easy life as a billionaire New York real estate mogul.

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WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump retreated this Monday to his lavish Pennsylvania Avenue estate for a relaxing weekday vacation.

“No one deserves this more than I do,” tweeted Trump, grasping the hand of a Secret Service agent as he gingerly ascended the stairs into Air Force One. “You’ve never met anyone more deserving than me. It’s tremendous how deserving I am. Deserving!”

The White House, often called “the Summer Mar-a-Lago”, serves as an escape for the president after he has spent his first four weeks in office issuing a flurry of controversial executive actions from his workplace and residence in Palm Beach, Florida.

Last week, the Commander-In-Chief discussed the threat of a North Korean nuclear attack with his crack national security team of wealthy socialites and resort waitstaff.

President Trump, accompanied by Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, also gave a State of the Union address. “This union is so great,” said Trump. “What a beautiful wedding. Look at the bride. So beautiful. You know, a few years ago I would have dated her.”

Like much associated with the new president’s embattled administration, Trump’s Beltway getaway does not come without controversy. Trump himself was a vocal critic of his predecessor Barack Obama’s own trips to the White House.

One tweet reads, “After 4 long years in White House, so-called president @BarackObama stays another 4 years in DC. Nice work ethic.” Trump claimed that then-President Obama’s time in Washington costed taxpayers “trillions of hundreds of dollars” citing a report from conservative political think tank Senile Old Man Shouting At Television (SOMSAT).

Many on the left are pointing to the president’s past statements as a sign of hypocrisy. Trump responded to those assertions upon arrival at Andrews Field: “No hypocrisy. No hypocrisy. You’re hypocrisy.”

When asked how he planned to unwind over the next five days at the White House, President Trump said he would be spending a lot of time “out on the lawn, teeing off on the media.”

bogusette-logoCHICAGO – Noting her disregard for the raised hands of several eager and qualified students, members of Lincoln Elementary’s third grade class confirmed Thursday that school bully Mrs. Sullivan had called on shy kid William Hawes again to answer a question. “You can tell by the way Will looks down at his desk and fidgets in his chair that it pains him to be in the spotlight, but Mrs. S insists on forcing him to participate,” said classmate Jamie Parker, speculating that Mrs. Sullivan’s relentless humiliation of Hawes in front of the entire class was likely linked to Sullivan’s own personal struggles with introversion in the past. “I can’t imagine what Will is going through right now. He looks so sad. I would ask him how he’s feeling, but my parents raised me better than that.” Hawes declined to comment on the issue but seemed relieved once reporters had left his area.

bogusette-logoBISHOP, CA – Failing to verify his identity via a CAPTCHA challenge-response test, local man Brian Treanor told reporters Sunday that he was beginning to doubt his own humanity. “I think I might be a robot,” said Treanor, elaborating that his inability to decipher a distorted “r” from a distorted “n” first triggered his suspicion of his own mechanization. “Who. Am. I? Beep. Bloop. What. Have. I. Become? Whizz. Whirr.”  At press time, a rigid Treanor could be seen jamming his finger into a USB port in an attempt to send out spam.

bogusette-logoLOS ANGELES – To the astonishment of her parents and younger brother, local 15-year-old Lauren Sterling glanced up from her phone Monday night to glare at her mother whom had asked about her day. “It’s a miracle. I honestly thought we’d lost her. It had been so long since I’d seen her face, I’d forgotten what color her eyes were,” said Lauren’s mother Beth Sterling, noting that Lauren’s tri-hourly Instagram selfies were too heavily filtered to provide an accurate iris hue. “Of course, Lauren went immediately back to the phone to text all her friends about how ‘nosy’ and ‘suffocating’ I am, but this is an important first step toward Lauren finally using her words to tell me she hates me rather than using the slam of her bedroom door.” At press time, Lauren Sterling had reportedly put in her earbuds and crossed her arms.

*This is the first installment of The Bogusette, a collection of satirical news pieces.*

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