Archive

Regression to the Meaning

DO NOT DO

Subject:  “Don’t wear white after Labor Day.”

The Reason: White clothes stain more easily and more noticeably than colored clothes. Following labor are childbirth and afterbirth, and with the presence of lochia (period-like discharge emitted postnatally from the mother’s uterus) up to weeks after delivery, one is at a significantly greater risk of ruining their whites. As noted, lochia comes in 3 different flavors and, correspondingly, 3 different sets of colors. So unless you’re going for the uterine-secretion camo look, you should probably refrain from trying on your wedding dress anytime soon.

Hey! Where’d you go?! Oh. Out the vagina.

Also, with the death of Billy Mays, and the world left in the dark about how to get stains out of their clothing, at present, conditions couldn’t be worse to safely wear white. Now, if you’re one of those people who just can’t resist wearing white as much as possible – I’m looking at you Klan members and Wimbledon classic reenactors – I plead you to please reconsider your stance and consider other options. One such alternative, to appease a case of the “wants-a blanca”, is to splurge right before Labor Day.  Wearing an unprecedented amount of white beforehand will satiate those white-fashion cravings and make up for the lost opportunities to wear white during an unsafe period. An added benefit of this specific solution is that it coincides  temporally with Labor’s Day Eve/Water Break Day, and your achromic apparel matched with the day’s traditionally aquatic festivities make for an arousing exhibition. Who doesn’t love a good old-fashion wet t-shirt contest?

Look! It's Sheer Joy!

Look! It’s Sheer Joy!

%d bloggers like this: