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Monthly Archives: June 2018

broccoli express

HIGH CHAIR, CA – Traveling from the Fork Street terminal for Mouth Station, the Broccoli Express derailed early Wednesday afternoon, leaving twenty-six people dead and dozens more injured.

The eight-floret passenger train careened wildly off the tracks at approximately lunch time, plummeting several feet to the Kitchen Floor underpass.

Twenty-six passengers were killed on impact. Seventy-seven more sustained injuries, ranging from life-threatening to boo-boos, and were escorted to the medicine cabinet for treatment.

Eye witnesses say the Broccoli Express collided with a “soft, cheeky” obstruction shortly before arriving at Mouth Station, then “jumped the tines,” and hurtled towards the tile below.

At the time of the crash, the train was moving at .15 miles per hour, according to transportation authorities. Nook Metro Spokeswoman Deirdre Moreno told reporters that the catastrophic wreck would take “seconds” to clean up. “We are devoting all available resources to help deal with this emergency. Every finger. Every bit of napkin. All hand is on deck.”

The derailment is currently under investigation. Operator error has not been ruled out.

The Broccoli Express’ black box event recorder was recovered by first responders as they searched through the pile-up for survivors. Audio from the recorder documents the train engineer’s final correspondence before the stalk uncoupled from the tines and the train overturned: “Here comes the Broccoli Express! Choo! Choo!”

Constructed nine minutes ago, the Broccoli Express was making its inaugural run. In a press release at the time of its approval, the new steamed-engine locomotive promised more consistent performance and more “regular departures.”

Despite this setback, railway officials were adamant that they would see this high-fiber rail project to ingestion.

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