I was going to apply for the Late Night Writer’s Workshop, but didn’t finish the required application material in time. Here’s some of the topical monologue jokes I might have used if I actually had my shit together.
- A 4-year-old in Delaware requested that Darth Vader attend her adoption ceremony. The proceedings got very complicated when the Sith Lord told the girl he was her father.
- A top Obama adviser applauded the president for having a scandal-free presidency. All of those scandals were shot down by drone.
- An Irish surgeon discovered a new organ in the human body. It’s the 2nd discovery of a new organ by an Irishman after the 1964 finding of the marshmallow heart in me Lucky Charms.
- A Michigan man tried to hire 2 fellow inmates to murder his ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately for the man, the inmates he hired were a con man and a loiterer.
- Tennessee congressman Steve Cohen said that Trump was like Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. “When’s the funeral?” you asked, a tad too excitedly.
- Jenny McCarthy said Mariah Carey should stop blaming everyone else for her New Years Eve debacle. Everyone that is except for vaccines.
- MMA fans were disappointed that the highly-awaited bout between Ronda Rousey and Amanda Nunes lasted only 48 seconds. For their significant others, on the other hand, 48 seconds of disappointment was par for the course.
- In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Donald Trump said that the “One China” policy was negotiable. Trump is opposed to “One China” because, as he sees it, more Chinas equals more ties.
- The Ringling Bros circus will close after 146 years. Don’t feel too sorry for the circus performers. They’ve already lined up jobs within the Trump administration.
- A 12-year-old boy in New York held a girl at gunpoint after she refused to give him a chicken nugget. Authorities confiscated the lethal material. And then they took away the gun.
- Ryan Seacrest got stuck in a broken down elevator under Times Square prior to hosting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. This was actually intentional as Ryan Seacrest can’t do anything until “right after the break”.
- Trump’s new presidential limousine will be bullet-proof, armed with weapons, and stocked with bottles of Trump’s blood type in case of emergency. Donald Trump’s blood type, of course, is B Negative.
- According to Business Insider, Taco Bell is one of America’s healthiest fast food chains. Taco Bell is better for you because it spends the least amount of time inside of the body.
- A White House guest was bitten on the face by the Obama’s younger dog Sunny. The last time a visitor was bitten by a dog in the White House was August of 2013 when Bo bit, then human, Sunny.
- A dossier from a former MI6 operative alleges that Donald Trump hired prostitutes to perform “golden showers” in a Moscow hotel room. These claims are unverified, but they do make sense. Trump would favors piss-play because we all know he can’t handle being shit on.