LOS ANGELES – To the astonishment of her parents and younger brother, local 15-year-old Lauren Sterling glanced up from her phone Monday night to glare at her mother whom had asked about her day. “It’s a miracle. I honestly thought we’d lost her. It had been so long since I’d seen her face, I’d forgotten what color her eyes were,” said Lauren’s mother Beth Sterling, noting that Lauren’s tri-hourly Instagram selfies were too heavily filtered to provide an accurate iris hue. “Of course, Lauren went immediately back to the phone to text all her friends about how ‘nosy’ and ‘suffocating’ I am, but this is an important first step toward Lauren finally using her words to tell me she hates me rather than using the slam of her bedroom door.” At press time, Lauren Sterling had reportedly put in her earbuds and crossed her arms.
*This is the first installment of The Bogusette, a collection of satirical news pieces.*