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Monthly Archives: October 2016

bogusette-logoCHICAGO – Noting her disregard for the raised hands of several eager and qualified students, members of Lincoln Elementary’s third grade class confirmed Thursday that school bully Mrs. Sullivan had called on shy kid William Hawes again to answer a question. “You can tell by the way Will looks down at his desk and fidgets in his chair that it pains him to be in the spotlight, but Mrs. S insists on forcing him to participate,” said classmate Jamie Parker, speculating that Mrs. Sullivan’s relentless humiliation of Hawes in front of the entire class was likely linked to Sullivan’s own personal struggles with introversion in the past. “I can’t imagine what Will is going through right now. He looks so sad. I would ask him how he’s feeling, but my parents raised me better than that.” Hawes declined to comment on the issue but seemed relieved once reporters had left his area.

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bogusette-logoBISHOP, CA – Failing to verify his identity via a CAPTCHA challenge-response test, local man Brian Treanor told reporters Sunday that he was beginning to doubt his own humanity. “I think I might be a robot,” said Treanor, elaborating that his inability to decipher a distorted “r” from a distorted “n” first triggered his suspicion of his own mechanization. “Who. Am. I? Beep. Bloop. What. Have. I. Become? Whizz. Whirr.”  At press time, a rigid Treanor could be seen jamming his finger into a USB port in an attempt to send out spam.

bogusette-logoLOS ANGELES – To the astonishment of her parents and younger brother, local 15-year-old Lauren Sterling glanced up from her phone Monday night to glare at her mother whom had asked about her day. “It’s a miracle. I honestly thought we’d lost her. It had been so long since I’d seen her face, I’d forgotten what color her eyes were,” said Lauren’s mother Beth Sterling, noting that Lauren’s tri-hourly Instagram selfies were too heavily filtered to provide an accurate iris hue. “Of course, Lauren went immediately back to the phone to text all her friends about how ‘nosy’ and ‘suffocating’ I am, but this is an important first step toward Lauren finally using her words to tell me she hates me rather than using the slam of her bedroom door.” At press time, Lauren Sterling had reportedly put in her earbuds and crossed her arms.

*This is the first installment of The Bogusette, a collection of satirical news pieces.*

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