Monthly Archives: July 2015

Prom season can be a stressful time for high school juniors and seniors as they scramble to get dates for what is undoubtedly the most important dance of the year. If you happen to be one of these unfortunate teens, you’re likely uncomfortably aware that the memories made on prom night will stick with, and perhaps haunt, you for the rest of your life. That’s why it is imperative that your prom night is spent accompanied by that perfect special someone. Sorting through the myriad of “promposal” ideas for the one that will land you your desired grinding partner can be a daunting task. Here to facilitate that process are seven surefire ways to ensure you go to the prom with your ideal dream date: Todd’s mom, Mrs. Frandsen.

1. Sign

The most basic of all the promposal ideas, the sign is an easy and straightforward way to ask Mrs. Frandsen to be your prom date. All you need is some markers and paper, readily accessible supplies to any high school student. And if you’re short on time because you’ve got an AP Lit essay due Thursday and a Chemistry exam to study for the following day, the sign is a painless way to invite Todd’s mom to prom without having to spend hours plastering every inch of her Honda Odyssey in “Prom?”-scrawled Post-it notes.

Mrs. F will understand if you’re proposal isn’t the grandest of gestures. What should she expect? You’re just a kid after all, and that understanding nature of hers is one of the reasons you fell in love with her in the first place! Don’t forget to make your sign’s message both personal and witty. Try something like, “You’re my senior. Can I be yours? Prom wit’ me?”

2. Arts and Crafts

If you’re the overachiever who finished your schoolwork weeks ago and who does have some extra time on their hands, arts and crafts may be the promposal idea for you. Go the extra mile for your best friend’s mother by writing your prom proposal on thousands of tiny red paper squares and then folding each of those squares into an origami heart. Then, stop by Mrs. Frandsen’s workplace during her lunch break and fill her cubicle to the brim with heart-shaped invitations to the dance.

By bringing your proposal to her office, you’ll be showing Mrs. Frandsen that you mean “business”, and she’ll appreciate all the time and effort you devoted to hand-crafting your proposal. The youthful zeal you’ll have demonstrated for Mrs. Frandsen, one that she likely hasn’t experienced since her wedding night, will compel her to say “Yes.”

3. Dress Up

Don a silly costume and show Mrs. Frandsen what a fun person her son’s BFF-since-kindergarten can be. She’ll be grinning ear-to-ear when you show up at her door dressed up as a teddy bear, and when you tell her “I can’t bear to come over to your house to play videogames with your son one more time without professing my deep-seated love for you. Be my prom date, yeah?”, she will happily accept.

If you still happen to be able to fit into one of your old Halloween costumes, even better! You can appeal to Mrs. Frandsen’s sense of nostalgia by reminding her of all those years she took you and Todd trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. She’ll recall fondly all the good times you two have spent together and will be eager to create more pleasant memories with you at the prom!

4. Dress Down

Costumes can be expensive, even to rent. So why not just use what the good Lord gave you? Round up five of your hunkiest male friends and have each of them paint a character on their bare chest so that it spells “PROM?” across their nearly-nubile torsos. What could be more enticing to a middle-aged mother of three than a bunch of topless teenage boys standing in her living room?

To score even more points with Mrs. Frandsen, get Todd to be one of your “lettermen”. Familial approval is a major selling point for prom dates. If Mrs. F knows that members of her family have signed off on you and her going to the prom together, then the deal is pretty much done. And if you can manage to convince Mr. Frandsen to jump on the shirtless body paint train, Mrs. Frandsen will have no reservations at all about attending the prom with you.

5. Food

They say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Engage Mrs. Frandsen’s feminist sensibilities by treating her like a man and making your way to her heart through her stomach too. Deliver a pizza to the Frandsen household, and when your best friend’s primary caregiver answers the door, open the box to reveal some cheesy line written on the lid about how “cheesy” this all is and a hot, delicious pizza with “PROM?” spelled out in pepperonis.

Mrs. Frandsen will be so thankful that she doesn’t have to eat her husband’s cooking tonight that she’ll be offering to pay for your tux AND the limo. Plus, by bringing home food for the whole family, you’ll have asserted yourself as a viable provider who, alongside Mrs. Frandsen, can literally “bring home the bacon”.

6. Poem or Song

Serenade your lovely matron with an original, heartfelt ballad composed specifically for this promposal occasion. Seduce her with your deep post-pubescent baritone voice and remind her that it’s been a whole 3 years since your voice broke. You’re no child. You’re practically a man, one who can legally gamble away his money on lotto scratchers and leave hanging chads on voting ballots.

But what if you’re not so musically-inclined? What if you can’t carry a tune? Well then, minstrel, fetch your quill and pen a passionate stanza for the mature lady. Surely, you can rhyme. Relatively speaking, it was not long ago that you were being read Dr. Seuss books before bedtime. Here’s one example of a poem that would certainly capture the heart of Mrs. Frandsen:

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I’m 17.
And you’re 42.
You’re old enough
To be my mom.
Hola, señora!
Let’s go to prom!

7. Flash Mob

If Mrs. Frandsen is still reluctant to oblige because of perceived underage inappropriateness, try a flash mob! Using a throng of aggressively-moving people, you can simply coerce Mrs. Frandsen via peer pressure into going to the prom with you. Wait until Mrs. Frandsen is isolated in an open public space. Then, ambush her with blaring funk music and a swarm of strangers violently performing a Busby Berkeley-esque choreographed sequence. Once the mob has stopped and all eyes are trained on her, Mrs. Frandsen will be filled with so much social anxiety she’ll have to accept your prom invitation. Rejecting a single person is one thing, but no one wants to disappoint that many people.

For added effect, live stream the flash mob. These types of things tend to go viral, and Mrs. Frandsen will not only have to answer to the hundreds of mob members, but millions of internet users as well. Among these users are internet trolls and comment section heathens that will threaten to burn down her house and murder her family if she doesn’t play along. Being a good wife and mother, Mrs. Frandsen will readily succumb to the will of the masses and will jump at the opportunity to be your prom date.


Considering the less than stellar condition of your car, Mr. Slattery, my supervisor has requested that a vehicle inspection be performed prior to service. She wants to make sure all the preexisting damage to your car is documented so none of it is wrongfully attributed to our mechanics. I hope you don’t take it personally, sir. I’m sure you’re a stand-up guy, but please understand that we do need to look out for our employees.

Since we’re already over here why don’t we start with the passenger’s side of the car? I can see a few minor scuffs on the bottom of the front door here. A small ding on the backseat door handle. Okay. Now, to the front of the car. A light abrasion on the right side of the hood. Mmhmm. And…ooh. What are these thin lines? More fine scratches? Oh, nope. Just lots of long strands of brown hair tangled up in the grill. I wonder who these belong to. Yes, you’re right, Mr. Slattery. Probably no one important.

By the way, Mr. Slattery, you said that you desired a loaner car, correct? Okay, let me have them bring one around for you. Louis, can you bring around a courtesy car for Mr. Slattery here? Yes, the red Camaro is fine. Wait, what’s that, Mr. Slattery? Something less conspicuous? Sure. Perhaps in an ashen gray or navy blue. Darker? Maybe black would better suit your fancy. Black it is then. I’ll have Louis prepare a black Camar- A van? Why, yes, we do have some loaner vans. Customers hardly ever request them, but we can certainly accommodate your preferences.

Louis, fetch the black van for Mr. Slattery, please. Taking the kids to soccer practice today, eh, sir? Excuse me? No, I’m afraid we don’t have any loaner vehicles without license plates.

Let us take a look at the driver’s side, shall we? This side is definitely the rougher of the two. There’s a significant forehead-size dent at the top of the door. Just below it, another forehead-size crack in the driver’s-side window, and on the door handle, there seems to be some crimson staining.

While these red blots appear to wipe away fairly easily, I’m afraid the rest of these damages will require considerable repair. Mr. Slattery, are you sure you only want us to change the oil? It’d take a few days, but our shop is well-equipped to fix your car’s other issues. Oh, you don’t have a few days. I see, you’re leaving town for a while. Well, I’d still recommend you don’t wait too long before getting these things fixed.

While I’m up here, I might as well check the mileage. Wow! Mr. Slattery, this car is long overdue for an oil change – like thousands of miles overdue. Frankly, I’m surprised the engine hasn’t given out on you yet! It’s a good thing you brought it in before you left for your trip. It would have been very unfortunate had your car broken down on your way up to the mountains. It’s so remote up there, I imagine it would be hard to procure aid.

Moving right along. Looks like your backseat door possesses some major blemishes as well. Two sets of five scratches running parallel along the length of the door. Wow! These feel really deep. Whatever clawed out these gashes must’ve really dug in hard.

And finally, the rear of the car. Ouch. One of your tail lights is completely smashed. Huh, it looks kind of like it was kicked out from the inside. Never seen that before. You won’t mind if I pop the trunk open and take a closer look at it will you, Mr. Slattery? You’re such a nice man. Thank you, kind sir.

Golly. That is so bizarre. How did you say your car got to be in such bad shape? Is that right? Kids playing ball in the cul-de-sac? If a bunch of kids were beating up my car like this, I’d give those brats a piece of my mind, but not you, Mr. Slattery. I admire your patience and restraint. Speaking of restraint, is that a bag of zip ties I see?

Ah, that reminds me. Mr. Slattery, please take any personal items with you before you leave. If you’re going to need anything from the car – perhaps this roll of duct tape or these blindfolds – please retrieve them now as they will not be accessible to you while the car is being serviced.

Well, that just about finishes the exterior inspection – all preexisting impairments have been reported. Mr. Slattery, I just need your signature here…and here. Thank you. You can get the keys to your courtesy vehicle from Louis over there, and we will call you as soon as the service on your car has been completed.

Come again? Yes, I would try the Orchard Supply down the street, right past the police station. I imagine they sell any number of gloves and shovels. You’re very welcome, Mr. Slattery. See you in a few hours.

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