Czech Mate: How Nadal Lost to Rosol, Not How He Found an Eastern-European Lady Friend

As day 4 of Wimbledon came to a close, many bowler hats were eaten. Lukas Rosol had upset Rafael Nadal. Here’s how…

Rafael Nadal entered this match as the clear favorite, fresh off his victory at Roland Garros over uber-Serb Novak Djokovic. Nadal was ranked #2 in the world; he was, as the kids say today, “the shit”. Lukas Rosol, entered this match as the clear underdog, fresh off his divorce from Czech track star Denisa Rosolova in 2011. Rosol was ranked #100 in the world. By multiplication, Nadal was 50 times better than Rosol, or, as the Brad Pitt’s say today, Rosol was under “50 feet of multiplicative crap”. This argument is mathematically sound. Credibility +1.

Most people believe Nadal lost because Rosol began to play out of his mind. However, Rosol’s mind is what allowed him to upset Nadal.  The Czech’s devious mental mockery and subsequent unnerving of Rafa are what allowed him to come out on top. Rosol became the metaphorical matador to “Spain’s Raging Bull”, waving the red cape in front of Nadal to anger and defeat him. The punch line: Rosol upset Nadal by upsetting Nadal.

After a close 1st set, claimed by Nadal in a tie-breaker, Lukas Rosol realized that he had a chance to win this match. He just needed that one little factor to push him over the edge and give him the upper hand. So, Rosol decided to get more underhanded than a pickup volleyball game at the Y.  As he passed by Nadal during a changeover, he whispered into Nadal’s ear that Nike had just announced the discontinuation of their line of wedgie-assured athletic briefs and their immediate replacement by the new “Hitchhikers” – a top of the line “no-ride”, wedgie-free, dri fit undergarment.  Rafa, hearing of this development, became distraught and started to worry more about the future of his jock support than the match at hand. Rafa’s frustration built to the point that he snapped and crashed himself into the net in what was clearly a kamikaze-style suicide attempt. His distress at no longer having a wedgie to dislodge before every serve was just too much to bear.

A pic displaying Rafa’s dissatisfaction at the prospect of being unable to pick in the future

This distraction by Rosol and the resulting mental lapse by Nadal allowed Lukas to break and take the 2nd set 6-4.

In order to sustain his lead, Lukas Rosol employed that infamous Czech sense of humor gifted to every Czech child on their 2nd birthday (I mean, come on! Look at how they spell “Czech”! It’s comical!)  To further upset the Spaniard, Rosol showed Nadal a previously prepared caricature lampooning his lopsided brachial distribution.

A closer look:

What allowed Nadal to fall victim to Rosol’s ploys was his lack of a sense of humor. Instead of laughing off the Czech’s shenanigans, Nadal took them to heart. This absent sense is what normally allows Nadal to win as his other senses are heightened, and he routs his opponents with a Matt Murdock-ian physicality. However, on this day, this deficiency was his Achilles’ heel. Nadal was obviously rattled by Rosol’s picture as evidenced by his actions thereafter. First, Rafa confronted the Chair Umpire:

Then, he abandoned his manners. Rafa, who customarily allows his opponents to return to their chair before he returns to his own, cut in front of Rosol (bumping into him in the process) to check the portable vanity mirror in his tennis bag.

Nadal, completely preoccupied with his disproportionality dropped the third set to Rosol.

Realizing that he was just one set away from being defeated by a guy who hadn’t been able to make it out of the 1st round of Wimbledon qualifiers the past five years, Nadal channeled his anger and turned to the dark side.

“Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to… good tennis?”

Now with an ire-fueled Force at his disposal, Darth Rafa was able to put the ball wherever he wanted and claimed the 4th set handily 6-2. No mishits committed by Rosol during this set were recorded as unForced errors.

Throughout the match, Nadal had complained that Rosol was trying to distract him by moving and breathing too loudly during his serve (HOW DARE HE?!). Little did Nadal know that Rosol was actually muttering an incantation and performing a small dance as part of an ancient Czech summoning ritual. A mystical darkness known has the “Fog of Prague” arose and quickly blanketed the sky. With the fading light, the tournament officials were forced to close the roof over Centre Court in order to finish the match. With the roof closed, Nadal’s connection to the dark Force was severed, and he returned to his normal topspin-loving, fist-pumping, “vamos”-screaming self. Nadal still had the emotional instability (and hair) of a teenage girl but was now without an apparatus with which to outlet it effectively. Reverted back to his psychologically fragile state, Nadal was hombre-handled by Rosol in the 5th and deciding set, and Lukas Rosol completed the stunner.

Having lost the match, Rafael Nadal was deserted by his harem of tennis groupies who consequently flocked to the victorious bachelor Lukas Rosol. For Rafa, no mates were had – not even of the Eastern European variety.

Rosol accompanied by Czech tennis fan, Jana from the bloc. (unconfirmed)

Also of note:

Making Rosol’s feat/feet even more impressive:

“Rosol injured both of his arms before the game, and had to play on his head using his right foot to grip the racket. He went onto win the game, causing one of the biggest upsets in Wimbledon history.” -Wikipedia

*Unfortunately, Nadal got to Rosol’s Wikipedia page and edited this quote/fact out of his bio. Fortunately, we have photographic proof.


1 comment
  1. Maximo Steir said:

    I really really love european women simply because they are mild mannered and they are also very very beautiful. My sweetheart is a european woman and i can never ask for more. she is really my dream girl

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