SHIPROCK, NM – Giving his choice a disproportionate amount of thought, Vic’s Diner patron Ryan Partridge was asked early Saturday what type of toast he would like to completely ignore alongside his two-egg breakfast. “White or wheat?” asked waitress Bev Rodgers, presenting the two varieties of pre-buttered, toasted bread Partridge could abandon untouched on the diner table. “Wheat’s fine,” said Partridge, opting for the healthier option which would in no way and at no time enter his body. At press time, Partridge was fumbling with packets of marmalade he would ultimately place back into the basket.
WASHINGTON – The Republican Congressional and Executive apparatus failed to not sign into a law a “ruinous” tax reform bill early Friday morning as President Donald Trump regretfully endorsed the GOP-concocted legislation with his trademark autograph.
Despite their best efforts, Republicans in Congress were unable to stop the passage of a tax bill which independent analysts estimate will massively redistribute wealth to corporations and the rich.
“We did everything we possibly could to tank this bill,” lamented a visibly distraught Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Senator McConnell pointed to the bill’s rushed and haphazard passage; eschewing of regular order; and inclusion of widely unpopular amendments as evidence of the Republican party’s concerted effort to produce an unpalatable piece of legislation.
“You tried your best, Mitch,” consoled Wyoming Senator John Barrasso, blotting the tears trickling down the Majority Leader’s face with a one-hundred-dollar bill.
Many GOP operatives were left scratching their heads: How on earth did this bill not not pass?
A slapdash, closed-door, and partisan process used in drawing up the legislation was meant to turn off legislators like Arizona Senators Jeff Flake and John McCain who claim to care about that kind of stuff for some weird reason.
House Republicans also introduced measures in the bill which were meant to violate arcane Senate procedural rules. “If the American people suffer from this tax bill, it is definitely the fault of the Senate Parliamentarian,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.
The GOP tax legislation also included a number of “safeguards” designed to incense voters and sabotage the bill’s prospects from ever blowing up the deficit by more than one trillion dollars. Premium hikes, limits on state and local tax deductions, cuts to entitlement benefits, incentives for businesses to offshore jobs, long-term tax increases on millions of middle class Americans, and “being dicks to grad students” were all bids made by Republican authors of the bill to prevent its passage.
Efforts to make the House and Senate versions of the bill irreconcilable proved futile as well.
“I promised only to vote for this bill in exchange for stabilization of the health markets, knowing full well House Conservatives would never go for that,” said Maine Senator Susan Collins. “And yet here we are. The bill is passed. There is no stabilization for health markets. And my signature is on the bill. It’s like some sort of dark voodoo magic.”
When Senator Collins was asked what that “dark voodoo magic” could possibly be, another older, whiter, more male senator interjected, “Science.”
The bill’s stunning non-defeat comes at the end of a disappointing year for Republicans – one full of flops on key campaign promises like ACA repeal, “draining the swamp” of lobbyists and corporate influence, and “locking her up.”
None were perhaps more dismayed by the tax bill’s passage, than President Donald Trump who detailed his own personal endeavors to torpedo the GOP tax bill:
“I tried not to sign the bill. I did. I watched eight hours of television. The best television. I golfed a lot. A tremendous amount. I was so distracted. No one’s ever been so distracted. I drank twelve cans of diet coke so I’d be so jittery – that’s my word, a word no one’s ever said before, jittery – so jittery, isn’t that a great word? – so jittery, I couldn’t write my own name, but in the end, the bill is signed because of the democrats and because of Crooked Hillary and the fake news media and because of Tiffany.”
Asked whether there was anything Republicans could have done differently to stop the tax bill’s realization, White House Spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “What can I say? We just did have the votes.”
WASHINGTON – North Korea successfully delivered an armed nuclear missile to the United States mainland six months ago, according to a classified assessment conducted by the Defense Intelligence Agency.
The confidential intelligence report indicates that the North Korean ICBM landed “just east” of the Sea of Japan in an urban region known as “Sacramento”. U.S. intelligence officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, expressed grave concern at the pace of the North Koreans’ fulfillment.
“All of our old estimates are out the window,” said one intelligence official. “Before, we predicted they were two, maybe three years away from being able to carry out a nuclear strike on U.S. soil. This accelerates their timetable to last February.”
Analysts described the missile program’s latest stage as “complete” and “done-zoes”. The next hurdle for North Korean weapon scientists will be to miniaturize any remaining sense of restraint they have and stockpile an irresponsible number of nuclear weapons.
“Fortunately, this was just a test – which it wasn’t” said nuclear arms expert Judy Spears, “but had this nuclear missile actually struck a major American metropolitan area – which it did – hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians would be dead – which they are.”
In response to this report, President Trump warned Pyongyang to not have conducted any more attacks on the U.S. or they “will have faced fire and fury like the world already saw.”
The international community has tried to rein in the Kim regime’s nuclear development using shows of military force and economic sanctions, but those efforts have been undermined by the Chinese government, who has been reluctant to travel back in time and retroactively apply more pressure.
When asked whether he was worried about North Korea’s fully fledged nuclear capabilities, one American citizen said, “No. I’m dead.”
The year is 2018. Ten months have passed since The Impeachment. The turmoil has all but subsided. Normalcy has been restored.
A woman strolls peacefully through the park. Serenity.
*DING* A clarion bell cuts through the pacific. She stops. Her face tenses ever so slightly. It’s a sound she knows well. A sound from another time. A news alert.
She slides a trembling hand down into her front pants pocket. She braces. Inhale. Exhale.
The woman takes out her phone. Her eyes creep slowly downward. Down toward the screen.
But there is nothing there. A sigh of relief. No push notification. Just the time. 11:08 AM. Eleven o’eight. 11. 8.
She feels the pallor begin to settle in, the suns warmth ebb, the daylight mute. Silence. Gray. Then, *CLAMOR*.
People everywhere. She’s surrounded. Pussy hats and poster boards dance around her. The crowd’s current picks her up and moves her forward. She must get out. She fights cross stream, making for the edge. Kicking, clawing. She casts aside one last bullhorn and breaks free.
The woman stops to catch her breath. She feels a cold tingle atop her head. She reaches out her hand. Icy precipitation tickles her palm. Snowflakes.
The cold spell is fleeting, replaced quickly by heat. The woman falls back as a meteor aflame strikes the ground before her. She gets up and inspects the smoking crater. One word: “BREAKING”.
The woman makes a mad dash as a torrent of fiery chyrons rain down around her. Race. Bob. Weave. Punditry thunders from the heavens as the woman tiptoes her way through the minefield of lower-thirds. Finally, she escapes, scrambling into the refuge of a nearby building.
Doubled over, she gasps for air. She gazes down at floor, exhausted. Her frantic visage reflected back to her in the golden tile.
She looks up. She is in a lobby. A front desk. A potted plant. A luggage cart. All ostentatiously gilt with Midas-ian restraint. As it dawns on the woman the lion’s den into which she’s wandered, her ears pique. Nasally breaths she recognizes underscored by an anthem she does not: “Rossiya – svyashchennaya nasha derzhava / Rossiya – lyubimaya nasha strana“. The stench of ketchup and steak fills her nostrils. From atop an escalator, a shadowy figure descends.
“No. No. It can’t be. You’re not- You’re supposed to be-” The monster approaches closer and closer, its grotesque figure becoming more and more apparent. Its leathery tangerine hide. Its droopy, vile mug.
The woman can barely muster, “Why aren’t you locked away?”
The beast draws its elbows in, its talons out. It bellows, “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
The woman: “Impossible. Y- You were vanquished.”
“That’s fake news.”
The beast unveils a hidden object and hoists it high. The severed head of the Hero Mueller. “We’re going to make America great again,” cries the beast.
The woman shrieks, “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!”
The woman wakes, still screaming. She wipes the sweat from her brow and looks around.
She is back in the park. It was just a nightmare. America is great again.
WASHINGTON – Exiting a meeting on Capitol Hill Tuesday, a Republican Congressman told reporters that President Trump’s seemingly treasonous decision to hand over highly classified intelligence to foreign adversaries was “Kinda kooky, huh?” “It’s certainly perhaps a thing that we should maybe ponder possibly,” said the GOP lawmaker, unable to confirm whether “zany” attempts by the President to squash an FBI investigation into possible collusion between foreign enemies and his own administration were tantamount to a crime. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. I can’t say off the top of my head, but we don’t have all the facts yet.” The identity of the relevant GOP member of Congress could not be discerned as he walked so quickly away from reporters that they were unable to get a good look at his face.
WASHINGTON – In a closed door meeting with the Russian Foreign Minister and Ambassador last week, President Trump divulged top secret intelligence, according to a current senior White House President.
The information disclosed by President Trump to the Russians involved ISIS operations overseas, said one former NBC reality host with intimate knowledge of the exchange.
“The President says to the guys from Russia – nice guys, very nice people. He tells them, he says, the most beautiful intelligence. You’ve never heard intelligence so beautiful. And the Russians. The Russians. So impressed. They couldn’t stop grinning. Huge grins. Tremendous grins. Lots of teeth. Who knew you could have so many teeth?”
One unnamed Commander-in-Chief who works very closely with Trump told reporters that the President also discussed possible courses of action in the Middle East. He and himself spoke on the condition of anonymity, citing early stages of dementia.
Specifics from the intelligence – such as target locations, agents’ identities, and collection methodology – have been withheld because the source can’t remember what they are.
When reached for comment, the administration denied disseminating confidential information to Russian government officials. President Trump personally called for the “leakers of this fake news” to be fired and allowed to return to their comfy, easy life as a billionaire New York real estate mogul.
You want fake news? Well then I’ll give it to ya!
Check out the first episode of my new podcast News Rewritten – fictional news reports of real historical events!
This first episode covers the deposition and blinding of Venetian doge Teodato Ipato on August 13, 755 by his rival bowler Galla Gaulo.