WASHINGTON – North Korea successfully delivered an armed nuclear missile to the United States mainland six months ago, according to a classified assessment conducted by the Defense Intelligence Agency.

The confidential intelligence report indicates that the North Korean ICBM landed “just east” of the Sea of Japan in an urban region known as “Sacramento”. U.S. intelligence officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, expressed grave concern at the pace of the North Koreans’ fulfillment.

“All of our old estimates are out the window,” said one intelligence official. “Before, we predicted they were two, maybe three years away from being able to carry out a nuclear strike on U.S. soil. This accelerates their timetable to last February.”

Analysts described the missile program’s latest stage as “complete” and “done-zoes”. The next hurdle for North Korean weapon scientists will be to miniaturize any remaining sense of restraint they have and stockpile an irresponsible number of nuclear weapons.

“Fortunately, this was just a test – which it wasn’t” said nuclear arms expert Judy Spears, “but had this nuclear missile actually struck a major American metropolitan area – which it did – hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians would be dead – which they are.”

In response to this report, President Trump warned Pyongyang to not have conducted any more attacks on the U.S. or they “will have faced fire and fury like the world already saw.”

The international community has tried to rein in the Kim regime’s nuclear development using shows of military force and economic sanctions, but those efforts have been undermined by the Chinese government, who has been reluctant to travel back in time and retroactively apply more pressure.

When asked whether he was worried about North Korea’s fully fledged nuclear capabilities, one American citizen said, “No. I’m dead.”


USA Flag 1992The year is 2018. Ten months have passed since The Impeachment. The turmoil has all but subsided. Normalcy has been restored.

A woman strolls peacefully through the park. Serenity.

*DING* A clarion bell cuts through the pacific. She stops. Her face tenses ever so slightly. It’s a sound she knows well. A sound from another time. A news alert.

She slides a trembling hand down into her front pants pocket. She braces. Inhale. Exhale.

The woman takes out her phone. Her eyes creep slowly downward. Down toward the screen.

But there is nothing there. A sigh of relief. No push notification. Just the time. 11:08 AM. Eleven o’eight. 11. 8.

She feels the pallor begin to settle in, the suns warmth ebb, the daylight mute. Silence. Gray. Then, *CLAMOR*.

People everywhere. She’s surrounded. Pussy hats and poster boards dance around her. The crowd’s current picks her up and moves her forward. She must get out. She fights cross stream, making for the edge. Kicking, clawing. She casts aside one last bullhorn and breaks free.

The woman stops to catch her breath. She feels a cold tingle atop her head. She reaches out her hand. Icy precipitation tickles her palm. Snowflakes.

The cold spell is fleeting, replaced quickly by heat. The woman falls back as a meteor aflame strikes the ground before her. She gets up and inspects the smoking crater. One word: “BREAKING”.

The woman makes a mad dash as a torrent of fiery chyrons rain down around her. Race. Bob. Weave. Punditry thunders from the heavens as the woman tiptoes her way through the minefield of lower-thirds. Finally, she escapes, scrambling into the refuge of a nearby building.

Doubled over, she gasps for air. She gazes down at floor, exhausted. Her frantic visage reflected back to her in the golden tile.

She looks up. She is in a lobby. A front desk. A potted plant. A luggage cart. All ostentatiously gilt with Midas-ian restraint. As it dawns on the woman the lion’s den into which she’s wandered, her ears pique. Nasally breaths she recognizes underscored by an anthem she does not: “Rossiya – svyashchennaya nasha derzhava / Rossiya – lyubimaya nasha strana“. The stench of ketchup and steak fills her nostrils. From atop an escalator, a shadowy figure descends.

“No. No. It can’t be. You’re not- You’re supposed to be-” The monster approaches closer and closer, its grotesque figure becoming more and more apparent. Its leathery tangerine hide. Its droopy, vile mug.

The woman can barely muster, “Why aren’t you locked away?”

The beast draws its elbows in, its talons out. It bellows, “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”

The woman: “Impossible. Y- You were vanquished.”

“That’s fake news.”

The beast unveils a hidden object and hoists it high. The severed head of the Hero Mueller. “We’re going to make America great again,” cries the beast.

The woman shrieks, “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!”


The woman wakes, still screaming. She wipes the sweat from her brow and looks around.

She is back in the park. It was just a nightmare. America is great again.



This may or may not be the Republican Congressman.

WASHINGTON – Exiting a meeting on Capitol Hill Tuesday, a Republican Congressman told reporters that President Trump’s seemingly treasonous decision to hand over highly classified intelligence to foreign adversaries was “Kinda kooky, huh?” “It’s certainly perhaps a thing that we should maybe ponder possibly,” said the GOP lawmaker, unable to confirm whether “zany” attempts by the President to squash an FBI investigation into possible collusion between foreign enemies and his own administration were tantamount to a crime. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. I can’t say off the top of my head, but we don’t have all the facts yet.” The identity of the relevant GOP member of Congress could not be discerned as he walked so quickly away from reporters that they were unable to get a good look at his face.

25475874370_82f4151df4_bWASHINGTON – In a closed door meeting with the Russian Foreign Minister and Ambassador last week, President Trump divulged top secret intelligence, according to a current senior White House President.

The information disclosed by President Trump to the Russians involved ISIS operations overseas, said one former NBC reality host with intimate knowledge of the exchange.

“The President says to the guys from Russia – nice guys, very nice people. He tells them, he says, the most beautiful intelligence. You’ve never heard intelligence so beautiful. And the Russians. The Russians. So impressed. They couldn’t stop grinning. Huge grins. Tremendous grins. Lots of teeth. Who knew you could have so many teeth?”

One unnamed Commander-in-Chief who works very closely with Trump told reporters that the President also discussed possible courses of action in the Middle East. He and himself spoke on the condition of anonymity, citing early stages of dementia.

Specifics from the intelligence – such as target locations, agents’ identities, and collection methodology – have been withheld because the source can’t remember what they are.

When reached for comment, the administration denied disseminating confidential information to Russian government officials. President Trump personally called for the “leakers of this fake news” to be fired and allowed to return to their comfy, easy life as a billionaire New York real estate mogul.


WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump retreated this Monday to his lavish Pennsylvania Avenue estate for a relaxing weekday vacation.

“No one deserves this more than I do,” tweeted Trump, grasping the hand of a Secret Service agent as he gingerly ascended the stairs into Air Force One. “You’ve never met anyone more deserving than me. It’s tremendous how deserving I am. Deserving!”

The White House, often called “the Summer Mar-a-Lago”, serves as an escape for the president after he has spent his first four weeks in office issuing a flurry of controversial executive actions from his workplace and residence in Palm Beach, Florida.

Last week, the Commander-In-Chief discussed the threat of a North Korean nuclear attack with his crack national security team of wealthy socialites and resort waitstaff.

President Trump, accompanied by Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, also gave a State of the Union address. “This union is so great,” said Trump. “What a beautiful wedding. Look at the bride. So beautiful. You know, a few years ago I would have dated her.”

Like much associated with the new president’s embattled administration, Trump’s Beltway getaway does not come without controversy. Trump himself was a vocal critic of his predecessor Barack Obama’s own trips to the White House.

One tweet reads, “After 4 long years in White House, so-called president @BarackObama stays another 4 years in DC. Nice work ethic.” Trump claimed that then-President Obama’s time in Washington costed taxpayers “trillions of hundreds of dollars” citing a report from conservative political think tank Senile Old Man Shouting At Television (SOMSAT).

Many on the left are pointing to the president’s past statements as a sign of hypocrisy. Trump responded to those assertions upon arrival at Andrews Field: “No hypocrisy. No hypocrisy. You’re hypocrisy.”

When asked how he planned to unwind over the next five days at the White House, President Trump said he would be spending a lot of time “out on the lawn, teeing off on the media.”

I was going to apply for the Late Night Writer’s Workshop, but didn’t finish the required application material in time. Here’s some of the topical monologue jokes I might have used if I actually had my shit together.

  • A 4-year-old in Delaware requested that Darth Vader attend her adoption ceremony. The proceedings got very complicated when the Sith Lord told the girl he was her father.
  • A top Obama adviser applauded the president for having a scandal-free presidency. All of those scandals were shot down by drone.
  • An Irish surgeon discovered a new organ in the human body. It’s the 2nd discovery of a new organ by an Irishman after the 1964 finding of the marshmallow heart in me Lucky Charms.
  • A Michigan man tried to hire 2 fellow inmates to murder his ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately for the man, the inmates he hired were a con man and a loiterer.
  • Tennessee congressman Steve Cohen said that Trump was like Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. “When’s the funeral?” you asked, a tad too excitedly.
  • Jenny McCarthy said Mariah Carey should stop blaming everyone else for her New Years Eve debacle. Everyone that is except for vaccines.
  • MMA fans were disappointed that the highly-awaited bout between Ronda Rousey and Amanda Nunes lasted only 48 seconds. For their significant others, on the other hand, 48 seconds of disappointment was par for the course.
  • In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Donald Trump said that the “One China” policy was negotiable. Trump is opposed to “One China” because, as he sees it, more Chinas equals more ties.
  • The Ringling Bros circus will close after 146 years. Don’t feel too sorry for the circus performers. They’ve already lined up jobs within the Trump administration.
  • A 12-year-old boy in New York held a girl at gunpoint after she refused to give him a chicken nugget. Authorities confiscated the lethal material. And then they took away the gun.
  • Ryan Seacrest got stuck in a broken down elevator under Times Square prior to hosting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. This was actually intentional as Ryan Seacrest can’t do anything until “right after the break”.
  • Trump’s new presidential limousine will be bullet-proof, armed with weapons, and stocked with bottles of Trump’s blood type in case of emergency. Donald Trump’s blood type, of course, is B Negative.
  • According to Business Insider, Taco Bell is one of America’s healthiest fast food chains. Taco Bell is better for you because it spends the least amount of time inside of the body.
  • A White House guest was bitten on the face by the Obama’s younger dog Sunny. The last time a visitor was bitten by a dog in the White House was August of 2013 when Bo bit, then human, Sunny.
  • A dossier from a former MI6 operative alleges that Donald Trump hired prostitutes to perform “golden showers” in a Moscow hotel room. These claims are unverified, but they do make sense. Trump would favors piss-play because we all know he can’t handle being shit on.
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